For most of my life, tears have not come easily to me. Even in times of extreme sadness, I did not or could not cry. Now I think the tears will never stop. I hide them from almost everyone in my life, but they are always there. They are there every day and every night, often for a few seconds or minutes, sometimes for hours. I feel most free to let them fall in front of those who I know are enduring the same magnitude of loss that I am. But most of my tears are shed in private, hidden away from everyone.
Kai would be very upset on the rare occasion when I did cry. His huge brown eyes would get even bigger and become serious and sad, and he would say, “Mommy, please don’t cry,” and then he would hug me, and of course I would stop. Now I don’t know if it is possible to stop.
I have read and heard people say that tears are healing, but these tears are not healing, at least they don’t feel healing. They are tears of suffering and sorrow. I wish I could make them stop, just as I wish I could make this sorrow stop. It’s exhausting, all of it. At almost 7 months, I thought that I would be crying less. Instead, I am crying more.
Will it get better? Some say yes. Others, perhaps more honestly, say no. But I fear bitterness, so I let the tears fall in hopes that they will wash away the anger and sorrow and let me mourn my son so that some day I will be able to think of him, smile and feel joy that I was blessed with the gift of having him in my life for almost six years.